Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
