i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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