So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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