I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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