I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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