I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
