Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
