In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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