My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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