I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize