dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
