I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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