Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
