life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
