So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
