I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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