I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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