my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
