something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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