you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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