The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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