Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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