I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
