Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
