Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
