I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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