She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
