i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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