very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
