one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
