I need help removing her.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
