What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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