He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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