He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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