After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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