Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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