I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it's like iHOP with fire
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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