I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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