it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
