oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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