It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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