Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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