you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
