I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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