I haven't been this sober since birth.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
