Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
