Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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