Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
