Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
