Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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