I think my vagina is haunted
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
