Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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