Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
