just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
