yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
