my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize