i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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