Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
